Highs and Lows
If you are like any other human on this planet, you have good days and bad days. You have hard times and good times. You have feast and famine. Drought and rain. Highs and lows. Days you want to move forward and others where you want to give up.
For me, my own roller coaster can go up and down during a day…even multiple times a day. Full of faith and excitement one minute, loss and fear and jealously the next minute. But I’ve started tracking my own roller coaster and I want to share what happens with me when I start feeling that I am going downhill. Maybe you can relate.
My self-talk changes. I begin quietly questioning what I am doing; questioning if I’m doing it right, if it matters and why I’m doing it if I keep screwing up. I get mad at myself because just days or hours before I was excited and on board, I was willing to pay the price and I was dedicated. Today though, this moment…I’m not so sure. What if what I want is not meant for me? The things I want I can’t afford, nor do I have the time to dedicate to what I really want to do. I don’t know the people that I need to know who could help to change my situation and I don’t know how to say what I feel to where it impacts others to move and change.
Then, like clockwork…something happens to seal the deal. I hear about someone who has something I want. Maybe it’s a speaker who everyone loves. Or it’s the couple that started their own business and will be retiring soon. Or the New York Times Best-selling author that is now the hype of the country. Any one of these and all of these people have come in to my life at exactly the moment that would cause the greatest destruction in my life, when I’m full to the brim of my most common shame talk:
“I’m not enough.”
I want to give up. Go back. I don’t see the point in what I’m trying to do. It’s too much. It just hurts. There is no relief. Why can’t something just work for us? Why aren’t we jumping to the next thing but instead a “step in the right direction” is just that…a step that is so small, it seems insignificant. And a step that is so small that I feel no relief nor do I feel we are finally on our way. It’s just a step. One measly stupid tiny step that really doesn’t do anything. So I stay in my pj’s, watch TV, eat crap, and turn within.
The last time I thought that, I wondered if Nephi ever felt that way when he was building the boat that took him 3 years. I can see him saying, “Oh good, I got another plank done. Only 1000 left to go…then I have to get them all to stick together. And then I have to…And then I have to…”
Give Up and Give In
But this is not just a story of my woes, it is what I have learned. I have learned that I need to “give up” on trying to force it to work. I need to “give up” on being mad or frustrated. I need to “give up” on comparing myself to others (which is the hardest one yet).
Instead I need to “give in” to trusting His promises. I need to “give in” to the commandments He gave us and read more, and work to understand who I am to Him.”
When I get overwhelmed with the process taking too long, or being too hard, I start looking for the good that has come into my life. Sometimes I need help from others to find these things, but when I start seeing that I have had blessings through the process, it lessens the pain. I must look for moments of gratitude. It is when I look to Him with gratitude that I can see He has showered me with other gifts to let me know He is here. And that is when I can shift back. When I can see Him in my life.
We will all come to a point in our life (maybe many points) where we want to quit. Where we want to give up. We are bruised, and battered, and tired, and frustrated. Where we have shed blood, sweat, and tears and it appears that nothing has happened from it. It’s looks as if it was all for not. This is where we must say, “we cannot see with our natural eyes, so we will trust and follow thee.”
“The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul….He prepareth a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; he anointeth my head with oil; my cup runneth over (Psalms 23).”